Ashley Williams and the Smelly Surprise
by Amberstar of Thunderclan
Summary: Among Turians, eating live rodents is considered the ultimate act of manliness. Ashley Williams is NOT amused.(a small tie-in with my fic How To Be A Rogue, reading it is not necessary).


Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams let out a scream of disgust.

Garrus slammed a hand down on the tail of the fuzzy, silvery, ferret-like rodent, fast as lightning.

"Relax, Ash; he's just a kempas. They're all over Palaven, completely harmless. Actually, we had them as snacks sometimes when we were kids." he chirped as he dangled it, squeaking, by the tail in front of her, a broad Turian grin on his face.

"Get it away from me!" she snapped. They were on a dextro world; nay, the trippiest dextro world(or world over all) that she'd ever seen. There were floating mushrooms, of all the things, everywhere in a very fairy-tale looking forest. Behind her, Sahara Shepard snickered.

"Afraid of an ickle ferret, Williams?" she asked. Ashley shot her a glare.

"I am not." she said hotly. "Just get rid of that thing. That nose of his is creeping me out."

Garrus suddenly looked... evil. His mandibles parted, farther than they ever had before, that she was aware of, almost like the hinged jaw of a snake.

"Okay!" he chirped. Suddenly, swiftly, his mandibles parted further, if possible, and he jaw _actually_ seemed to unhinge itself. In a matter of moments, he dropped the creature headfirst into his mouth and started working it down his throat, much to her horror. Her gun, and jaw, dropped to the ground.

 _Okay, I knew Turians were predators, but WHAT THE ACTUAL-_

"Done." he burped, grinning, after slurping, yes, slurping the tail down his gullet. He grinned at the still-shocked Ashley. Shepard clapped her hands over her mouth, looking one part 'trying not to laugh hysterically' and one part worried, face reddening with the effort.

"You... ATE IT!? WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU!?" Ashley found her voice, still unable to believe what she has just witnessed.

"Hey, you _told_ me to get rid of it; you didn't specify how. And I did mention we ate them as snacks. I never said we cooked them. In Turian society, it's actually considered _manly_ to eat live prey." he breathed on his knuckles and rubbed the collar of his armor.

"Oh my gosh... I can't believe you just did that!" Shepard exclaimed, beside herself, tears of mirth sparkling at the corners of her eyes. "Are you okay?"

"Now? Yeah. Later? To be seen." answered ominously, patting his chest. He let out another small belch. "Excuse me, ladies..."

He strode back to the MAKO, head held high... for now.

* * *

 _"Shepard."_

She was so close. She had to reel in a little more, that damn trout would be hers at last...

 _"Shepard, this is Chakwas. You'd better get down here."_

She groaned, her dream shattering at last. The dark blur of her room cam into focus.

"Yeah, why?" she yawned.

 _"It's Garrus. He's... well, you ought to come see for yourself."_

 _That_ woke her up like a bucket of ice water. Her stupid Turian was in trouble? She groaned again. _I hope he didn't mistake that ferret thing for something else..._

She tore her covers off, and swung her night robes on, tying the string at the middle. Her dirty blond hair was a bedraggled mess, and ehr blue eyes were still slightly unfocused. She tore out her room, and Kaiden, who was always up late thanks to his headaches, looked up as he noticed her on a war path to the med bay.

"Sahara? What's going on?" he asked as he stood up, worried. He strode to catch up.

"Chakwas woke me; something's up with Garrus." she told him.

"That ferret thing giving him problems?" he, like many others had found the situation and Ashley's reaction to it amusing. The humor was starting to disappear. They walked through the sliding doors, to find their Turian friend sitting on one of the beds, shaking slightly with his arm wrapped around a bucket like it was a lifeline. He perked up as they entered planting a cheerful expression on his face, although the membrane forming over his eyes and rapid blinking betrayed how truly rotten he was feeling.

"Why hello, Commander! You look very well this evening. Your bedhead is particularly charming!" he chirped. At both their frowns and crossed arms, he added. "I assure you, this is all perfectly natural! My people have been doing this for thousands of years!"

The odd sort of shudder and sickening belch he gave, throat convulsing, didn't do much to support his argument.

"Garrus... what was in that ferret?" Kaiden asked chidingly, eyes narrowed.

"Fur. Fur and bones, to be specific." Chakwas answered for him, coming up behind them. "And Turians have gizzards... much like owls. Put the pieces together, lieutenant."

"He's... _oh_."Shepard exclaimed, a look of realization dawning on her face. "Oh, dear."

"You mean he's..." Kaiden trailed off, lookng at the Turian in shock. Garrus hunched his shoulders in embarrassment.

"He's passing a pellet. Like an owl would." Chakwas glared at the offending sniper. "And his gizzard is not used to this kind of strain. Because despite the fact some Turians still eat live prey on occasion(mostly on dares), most now spend the majority of their lives never coughing up anything bigger than a dime, if anything at all, because most food they eat is de-boned and doesn't have fur."

"Garrus, Garrus, Garrus." Shepard tsk'd, marching over to sit down beside him. She clapped a hand on his shoulder. "You, my friend, are never eating a ferret again, are you?"

He gave a sickening retching noise. A few moments of choking later, and Kaiden and Shepard both covered their eyes, crying out in disgust as the wet mass fell into the bucket.

"UGGH! Dude, that's disgusting!"

"I think I'm going to be sick!"

"YOU?! I'M the one who had to cough it up!"

"What's going on?" a sleepy, curios Liara came out of the back room.

"Garrus just threw up a... _thing_." Shepard said, green in the face.

"Not a thing." he corrected her. He pointed at the contents of the bucket. "That right there*hic*, is a _man's_ pellet!"

"It's gross is what it is." Kaiden wrinkled his nose, before pinching it shut. "Ugh, and it smells!"

Liara leaned in to get a closer look, but immediately jerked back, face turning a light shade of lavender. "I... had no idea you could do that, Garrus. Um... ex-excuse me."

The Asari walked hastily from the med bay, but began to run for the bathroom as soon as she cleared the doorway. Garrus gave a chuckle, and then let himself fall backwards onto the bed after setting the bucket to the side. He shut his eyes. "I think I'm going to really throw up, now."

"Ugh, lets go space this thing before it stinks up the place." Kaiden pointed at the bucket. At the suggestion, Garrus jerked up, and grabbed it, arms wrapped around it protectively, looking mortified at the very suggestion.

"What! Are you crazy?" he exclaimed as if the biotic was legitimately insane. "Throw proof of my manliness out the airlock? NOT happening! Besides... don't you know a golden opportunity when you see it?"

Shepard and Kaiden shared a look. She grinned. He frowned. This could only end badly...

* * *

Something was wrong. Very wrong. As Ashley stepped out of the elevator, the sweet scent of her coffee was invaded by a stale odor. She wrinkled her nose with distaste. Garrus stood grinning , leaning against the wall with a metal bucket in hand.

"Hello, chief." he greeted smoothly. She sniffed the air. _Whatever's causing that stink, it's in his bucket._

"What _is_ that, Vakarian? It smells like dead vomit." she said, taking a step back. But Garrus took a step forwards, wearing the most serious face he possessed. He presented the bucket, holding it out with arms stiff to show her the contents.

"It's not vomit; it's your kempas buddy from yesterday." She made the mistake of looking into the bucket. She let out a small scream of disgust, dropping her coffee by accident as she flew backwards to get as much distance between herself and it as possible.

"What IS that!?" she exclaimed.

"It's my pellet! It's _manly_!" he told her, looking like an offended puppy.

"You coughed that up!?"

"Duh. How do you think it got out of me?"

"That's disgusting! And smelly!"

"It's nature, and it's manly, and I thought you might appreciate the display!"

"Poke her with it, Garrus!" Shepard shouted from behind the MAKO. The Turian adopted a wicked gleam in his beady eyes, and Ashley turned and ran, blood draining from her face.

"What's the matter, Ashley? Whatever happed to asking 'which cheek'?" Garrus ran after her, bucket held out in front of him.

"DAMMIT, Shepard! You told him I said that!?" she kept running. Maybe Tali would help...

Back behind the MAKO, Kaiden and Shepard doubled over with laughter. The LT turned off his omnitool's recording device. "Oh, man, this is going to get so many hits!"

* * *

 **Um, okay. I'm going to sit back and pretend that this isn't nearly two months overdue...**

 **But yeah, this is a short little backstory piece for How to be a Rogue, this being an incident mentioned in chapter 8: Shrinks and Plans. If you haven't read How to be a Rogue yet, please do; I love getting more readers, and there certainly isn't a lack of Garrus in it, added together with some pretty cool Legion content and some awesome pwning by Wrex so far.**

 **Urdnot Grunt and the Frabjous Snow Day, Urdnot Wrex and the Legend of the Pizza Fairy, James Vega and the Runaway Hamster, or Miranda Lawson and the Blob of the Crew Deck.**

 **Vote up!**

 **Read and REVIEW!**


End file.
